A letter to her GEM

Dear GEM,

It’s been 3 weeks since we parted friends. I thought I’d be fine as I’m really trying hard to but there’s still a tug of war between my heart wanting you back and my brain telling me to move on. To be honest I’m not ok unlike what you see on my FB posts. Yes I’ve been keeping myself occupied, having good times with friends, meeting new ones but at the end of the day when I’m alone in my room no one knows I’ve been crying myself to sleep. The pain I’m going through is contained within the walls of my room. Only my pillows hear the cries of my heart.

I thought maybe you’ve found someone better. I thought maybe you didn’t trust me as much as I trust you.

I wish my marriage could be annulled so easily. F*ck that annulment!!! Can we not be together without getting married??? I’m not after your money or the green card! I only want you, to be with you, to love you, and you to love me back!!! Is that too much to ask for??? I wish you’ve patiently waited for me a bit longer. I wish you’ve been pretending that you’re fine too.

How can I forget you…
– when I live near the passenger terminal and each time I see buses going out I’m reminded of our planned trip to Leyte where your father had lived before?
– when the songs I hear everywhere remind me of you?
– when I see an American-Filipina couple I think about us?
– when I already closed my CB account because I only want you?
– when you like or heart my posts on FB?
– when your voice still echoes in my ears?
– when your smile is imprinted in my mind and in my heart?
– when I just dreamt of you last night and it seemed so real I wished I hadn’t woken up?

I couldn’t hate you! I’m loving your likes and hearts on my FB posts. I hope you’d comment on them too! I terribly miss you!!! I want to exchange private messages with you on messenger, whatsapp, viber, or IMO but I’m afraid I’d get ignored. I want to know how you’re doing. I’ve read in one of your posts you’ve been sick. I hope you’re feeling better. I want you to take care of yourself because I am not there to take care of you. I want you to be happy and if you’re not and have no one to talk to please for God’s sake send me a message!!!

I know it’s impossible to turn back time so I won’t dwell in the memories forever. But may I ask a favor? Can we at least talk privately for friendship’s sake??? I would love to hear from you!!! And I’m praying hard you’d be able to read this🙏

– Your Sweetie

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